Tainted Love
by Thanatos-Aire
Summary: The only 43 fic you'll get from me.


Tainted Love

Thanatos-Aire

4x3, 3x1+3. **Fubar**. Complete and utter snafu-factor. Profanity, death, some provocative language, implied Trowa/Trowa relationship, stalking, Quatre-on-Zero issues (read as: some OOC-ness)… It's Que's POV, so not everything is particularly true/unbiased.

GW belongs to some people who need to share the wealth. The song… hell, I'm not sure if anyone has rights to it anymore since it's been remake-ed so many times ; And yeah, the song choice is evidence of my twisted humour.

'merweti' is Egyptian for 'my love' (although I think it's feminine… . Oops. Oh well.)

* * *

_I want you to want me  
__I need you to need me_

You were so beautiful, merweti.

Ever since I met you in battle nearly two years ago, I've wanted you. I've wanted to touch you, stroke you, kiss you, make you mine. **Mine**. So long, I've waited for so long, trying so hard, but you didn't care.

You didn't even notice.

No, you were too busy sulking behind that mask of yours. That insufferable, immovable mask of nothing. And when it finally broke, you couldn't remember. Ha ha, the damned irony. I spend all that time trying to get in, and then you don't even know who I am.

After the war, you were too busy trying to find yourself. A few calls here and there, I barely saw you in person. Said you were making a name for yourself, one that was yours and not stolen from someone else. Someone else who'd had you and let you go. Is he the reason you declined my offers to live with me? Is he the reason you always ran to Heero when the shit hit the fan?

_I'd love you to love me  
__I'm begging you to beg me_

I tried so hard to get your attention, and the most I ever got in return was a "Thanks."

You wouldn't even have rescued me impaled on a fencing foil if Heero hadn't told you to, would you? Here I was, offering you everything I had, and you followed him like a duckling. What could he give you that I couldn't? He's a pawn, a tool, a mobile suit made of flesh that Doctor J and Dekim Barton created. Heero could never love you like I could.

And yet…

And yet, you chose his stubborn, silent, war-hardened heart over mine. He never even smiled for you.

He took your help, working those pretty long-fingered hands on his flesh and his weapons as he dragged you to battlefields. He took your help, consuming the silent understanding and soft-spoken advice as he dragged you to his potential-deaths. Heero used you for his own purposes and for the war, and you let him.

Because you **loved** him.

_I'll shine up the old brown shoes  
__Put on a brand-new shirt_

After the incident with Treize's daughter, you stayed with him at the hospital until he disappeared again. Dammit, Trowa, see how he repaid you? He up and left in the middle of the night without a word and vanished into the colonies somewhere.

When I finally convinced you to come home with me, I thought I would die a happy man. Oh, merweti…

You came, sullen and silent, your old mask firmly in place. But I didn't care, because I had you and I wasn't ever going to let you go. Barton released you from his hold, and Zero-One left you behind; I was not going to repeat their mistakes.

But you were so miserable. I couldn't understand it. Here I was, offering you the world: a big family to coddle you, money and houses and tasteful clothes, the use and company of the Maganaks… And you didn't want any of it. All you wanted was your dinky little circus trailer and snobby over-protective sister.

And Heero.

It was always only Heero, wasn't it? You would have given up the circus, given up Cathy, for him, wouldn't you've, Trowa? Because you loved him. You **loved** him, like I **loved** you.

_I'll get home early from work  
__If you say that you love me_

Why? I took you out to the finest restaurants and the opera, gave you a new flute, offered you my bed -- my body and heart… And all you wanted was a stone-faced assassin who had used you again and again.

I thought you'd see it as a lost cause eventually, but I hated to see you hurt so I said I'd start searching around for the Perfect Soldier. And you smiled at me.

I was so happy I almost forgot myself, almost tripped on the lie. I pretended to be looking everywhere I could for him, just to give you that glimmer of hope and twinge of doubt.

The other two stayed after a business party, and I could tell that their presence helped ease that invisible burden on your shoulders. I let them stay only for you, merweti, but I soon regretted that decision.

Two years I spent trying to get you to open up, coaxing you out of this shell that you hid yourself in. And in three weeks, Duo and Wufei got further inside than I ever did.

Wufei read with you, sparred and discussed politics while the two of you messed my gardens. Duo taught you how to follow banter jokes and encouraged your dry one-liners, exchanged stories of crappy childhoods while the two of you messed my kitchen. You seemed happy, content with the three of us even though you missed the circus.

_Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying  
__Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying_

But I knew you weren't. You still missed Heero and the bastard hadn't shown up anywhere in civilization since he left after the Eve War.

The day before the vacation period ended (Duo had to get back to his scrap yard and Wufei to the Preventers), I decided to take a chance. I went to your bedroom with a tray of breakfast, intent on finally seducing you and spending the day in bed together. A head full of thoughts running everywhere from your smile to the way the sun would play upon the muscles of your chest through the curtains, from your gemstone eyes closed and lips parted as I took you to the way you'd scream my name around lunchtime…

But you weren't there.

Six in the morning, and you weren't in bed. The only reason that came to my mind besides running away to Heero was that you'd had a nightmare. And never before had I wished I was wrong.

You had a nightmare alright. In Duo's bed.

With Duo **and** Wufei.

_Feeling all alone without a friend  
__You know you feel like dying_

How could you?

How could **they**?

Don't tell me nothing went on, don't tell me the three of you didn't do anything. I saw you, Trowa, I walked in and found you in their arms. I… oh! It makes me so mad just thinking about it!

And when the three of you finally noticed me standing there, it was the typical guilty shit. You scattered, jumping up out of the bed, Duo in front with his arms open as if protecting you.

Hah, protecting you. He's just as bad as Heero, thinking he could give you something that I could not. 'Silly American, Tro is for Kat.'

And Wufei. Ha ha! He must've had his hair pulled back too tight for too long, merweti, thinking he had the right to yell at me for barging into my own house's guest bedroom. For a scholar, he's not very smart.

_Oh, didn't I, didn't  
__Didn't I see you crying_

But you believed them when they said I was the one at fault. Whatever could have possessed you, Trowa? Thinking that they were right and I was wrong and that I was to blame for your nightmares. I'll bet neither actually know anything about your nightmares.

But **I** do, merweti. I used to stay up and watch you sleep during the war, watch over you and feel your pain. The others never used themselves a dream-catcher for you, have they? **Have** they, Trowa? No, I didn't think so. Because I'm the one who loves you, not them.

And yet, you still sided with them. How could you? You told me to leave you alone so you could pack because you were leaving with Duo to work on the scrap yard. I don't know what that pair had done to cloud your mind like that, make you believe that you would be better off with them than here in my home…

**Damn** them.

They ordered you around, telling you to go pack and ignore my cries, and you submitted oh so willingly. Where do they get off telling you what to do? Trowa, my Trowa, merweti dearest, they must have threatened Heero for you do so so calmly. I had to stop them, for your sake, because they were trying to take you away from me against your better judgement.

_I want you to want me  
__I need you to need me_

So you see, Trowa, I **had** to kill them. I had to release you from their hold, had to protect what was rightfully mine.

Because I loved you.

Because I wanted you, merweti.

And Quatre Raberba Winner **always** gets what he wants.

_I'd love you to love me  
I'm begging you to beg me_

* * *

owari 

This is my response to a "you never write Quatre and Trowa together" comment. In case it needs more clarification than this fic: I. Hate. That. Couple. I don't write it and I don't read it 'cause I don't think it works and it's all pretty much the same cookie-cutter romance BS anyway. Sorry if you disagree.


End file.
